The Hitchcock Project-How to Get Rid of Your Wife by Robert Gould [9.11]

by Jack Seabrook

"How to Get Rid of Your Wife" is a lighthearted look at psychological warfare in the setting of an unhappy marriage. This episode first aired on CBS on Friday, December 20, 1963, and the onscreen credit states that it is "Based on a teleplay by Robert Gould." That teleplay was also titled "How to Get Rid of Your Wife" and it was written for a BBC anthology series called BBC Sunday-Night Play; the episode aired in the U.K. on May 26, 1963, and is lost. Presumably, the people looking for stories for The Alfred Hitchcock Hour liked this one and bought the rights, though the writer who revised it for American TV is uncredited.

The light touch is evident from the opening credits of the American version, which are displayed over a playful, jazzy score by Lyn Murray. The show begins with a meek-looking man, Gerald Swinney, holding a bouquet of flowers and gazing at a poster outside a theater; the poster features a drawing of a scantily clad dancer and advertises: "Unlimited Engagement--Rose Feather--Appearing Nightly." After walking down an alley, Gerald enters the back of the theater through the stage door and politely asks the stage manager if he "'might have a word with Miss Feather.'"

Bob Newhart as Gerald Swinney

The stage manager looks at the newspaper in his lap and recognizes Swinney, since the front page features large photos of Gerald and his wife Edith under a headline that reads, "Jury Reaches Verdict in Swinney Case in One Hour." This sets up the show's central mystery: who was on trial and why, and what was the verdict? The answers are not revealed until the end of the episode.

Rosie Feather is sitting in front of her makeup mirror and she welcomes Gerald into her dressing room. He apologizes and hands her the flowers but, to his surprise, she thanks him for the publicity, even though she realizes that it came at someone else's expense. She brings him a bottle of beer and asks him to call her Rosie before disappearing behind a screen to change clothes. At this point, Gerald begins to narrate in voiceover and there is a dissolve to a scene from the past; most of the episode will consist of an extended flashback that will answer the questions raised by the newspaper headline.

Jane Withers as Edith Swinney

After Gerald says that he and his wife have been married for fifteen years, she is introduced as a woman whose appearance is plain and frumpy in comparison to that of the glamorous dancer, Rosie Feather. Edith berates Gerald, yet he remains calm and seems amused by the situation. Although it is revealed that they were financially dependent on her mother, he announces that he wants a divorce, something she refuses. When he discovers that she got rid of his fishing equipment, he tells her that "'Well, Edith, I'm just going to have to get rid of you.'"

Gerald begins to outline his plan and his campaign in voiceover and, the following Saturday night, he walks home from a bar with Mr. Penny, his next-door neighbor, to find that Edith has locked him out of their house. Swinney tells his neighbors that his wife has not been well since her mother died and Mrs. Penny calls him a saint.

Joyce Jameson as Rosie Feather

Having secured the first witnesses to Edith's strange behavior and her treatment of him, Gerald continues his campaign. The next morning, he makes breakfast for himself and leaves Edith's coffee on the kitchen island next to an open box of weed killer, causing his wife to check each breakfast item for traces of poison. Gerald has succeeded in planting the seed of concern in her mind regarding his intentions. She accuses him of trying to frighten her into leaving but he denies it while holding a straight razor, his face covered in shaving cream.

Mary Scott as Laura

Edith telephones Laura who, it is implied through dialogue, is her sister. After Laura insists that Edith is imaging things, explaining that Gerald is "'much too gentle,'" Edith invites Laura and her husband Henry to lunch that weekend to see that "'Gerald is a monster.'" Outside, in the yard, Gerald digs what looks like a grave, yet he insists that it is a fish pond. His neighbor, Mr. Penny, wanders over and witnesses Edith berating her husband; as his wife did earlier, Penny tells Gerald that he "'must be some kind of saint.'"

George Petrie as Henry

That weekend, Laura and Henry come for dinner and, when Henry goes outside, where Gerald is digging the large hole, Swinney claims that he is just trying to "'cheer up the place.'" Laura and Henry dismiss Edith's concerns and suggest that she see a doctor. During dinner, a delivery man brings a tank, which Edith insists is to contain acid (presumably to dissolve her corpse) but which Gerald says is to line the fish pond. Laura and Henry grow more concerned about Edith's sanity and Laura suggests that it is Gerald who is in danger from his unstable wife! 

Ann Morgan Guilbert as
the pet shop woman

After the guests leave, Edith throws Gerald out of their house, following him into the yard, where the neighbors overhear her yelling at him. He does not leave, however, and in the next scene he is seen calmly lying on his bed (the Swinneys have separate bedrooms), reading a book and gazing at a signed photo of Rosie Feather on his nightstand; his bags are packed and sit on the floor by his bed. The next morning, Gerald takes his bags and leaves, timing his sad walk down the suburban street to intersect with the time that the neighbors walk by on their way to church so that they can again express sympathy.

Robert Karnes as the sergeant

With Gerald gone, Edith inspects his bedroom and finds the photo of Rosie under his pillow. The jealous wife immediately visits Rosie in her dressing room and accuses the dancer of being involved with Gerald. Rosie, who has never met Swinney, gladly agrees never to see him again and has the doorman escort Edith out. In voiceover, Gerald explains that Edith next went to the bank where Gerald works and threatened to expose him. He smugly concludes that "'it was all working out very well.'"

William Wellman, Jr.,
as the delivery man

The final phase of Gerald's plan begins as he visits a pet shop and buys two rats from the female proprietor, an oddball who calls one of the rats Romeo and aims a kiss at him. Back at home, Gerald is in the kitchen peeling potatoes with a large knife. After claiming that she smells Rosie's perfume on Gerald's clothes, Edith opens the cabinet under the sink and screams when she sees the two rats. Mrs. Swinney visits a drugstore and buys rat poison, which Gerald later discovers at home, hidden in a hatbox. Edith soon discovers him packing his bags again and he reads her a letter that he has written, in which he admits fault. When he says he plans to leave the next morning, she tries to stop him.

That night, Edith tries to turn the tables on Gerald by making her own hot chocolate, presumably fearing that he might poison her drink if he were to prepare it. After pouring herself a cupful, she adds a heaping spoonful of rat poison to the pan of hot chocolate on the stove and leaves the poisoned liquid for him to help himself. He prepares a cup but is not shown drinking it.

Joseph Hamilton as
Oscar, the stage doorman

The next morning, Edith funds Gerald in bed, not moving, and assumes that he drank the fatal hot chocolate. After unpacking his suitcases, she calls Henry to report that Gerald has poisoned himself. A police sergeant comes to the house to investigate and, to his surprise, Gerald wakes up. He explains that he decided he did not want the hot chocolate and poured it out so that Edith would not be upset if she thought he had spurned her hospitality.

The next scene finds Edith in court, on trial for attempted murder. The district attorney questions most of the characters who have been seen so far in the episode, with the notable exception of the woman from the pet store, to whom Gerald had given a fake name. The D.A. argues that Edith planned to kill her husband in order to prevent him from leaving her and she is found guilty. The long flashback ends and the scene returns to Gerald in Rosie's dressing room, all smiles as he reads the newspaper article about the verdict. The camera pans down to show the rest of the front page, revealing the sub-headline, "Woman Gets Five Years." Rosie emerges from behind the screen, dressed in a tight gown. After Swinney asks her to call him Gerald, she recommends divorce and they agree to dine together after her show.

Helene Winston as Mrs. Penny

Gerald leaves through the stage door and walks through the alley, where the woman from the pet shop is waiting for him, having followed his case in the newspaper and having recognized his photograph. She asks Gerald why he never told anyone about the rats he purchased and, after her implied threat to expose him, they agree to have dinner together and walk off, arm in arm. The show ends with Gerald looking longingly at the poster of Rosie.

Harold Gould as the D.A.

The surprise ending does not hold up to scrutiny. Edith did try to murder Gerald, so her conviction was appropriate. During the trial, her attorney argued for extenuating circumstances and showed that her house was kept spotlessly clean, suggesting that the rats were planted there. If the pet shop woman were to tell the authorities about Gerald's purchase of the rats, it would be his word against hers, and even if she were to be believed, he committed no crime. Perhaps Gerald is more concerned with his reputation, which could suffer if the truth were known; however, he did such a good job of convincing everyone that Edith was a shrew and that he was a saint that it seems unlikely they would all change their opinions so quickly.

Bill Quinn as Mr. Penny

A better choice would have been to end the show with Gerald having succeeded in getting rid of his wife and planning to have dinner with Rosie. Bob Newhart is perfect as Gerald, the meek, mild-mannered everyman who is the last person one would expect to mastermind a plot to have his wife thrown in jail. Jane Withers plays Edith as a one-dimensional shrew, never evoking any sympathy in the viewer (or any of the other characters) despite being the victim of psychological warfare. Joyce Jameson is beautiful and likeable as Rosie who, despite her profession, seems more innocent than either of the Swinneys. The rest of the cast is made up of familiar TV character actors, all of whom play their roles to perfection. The Swinneys' house is recognizable to fans of classic TV as the home of the Cleavers on Leave it to Beaver.

"How to Get Rid of Your Wife" is effectively directed by Alf Kjellin (1920-1988), who mixes the bland, suburban setting with more noirish camerawork and lighting in the scenes in and around Rosie's dressing room, as if Gerald has passed from the light of his day-to-day existence into the darkness of sexual desire. Kjellin was born in Sweden and started out in the movies in 1937 as an actor. He began acting on TV in 1952 and continued until 1979. He started directing films in 1955 and worked as a director on American television from 1961 to 1985, concurrent with his acting work. As an actor, he appeared in the 1966 film adaptation of Jack Finney's Assault on a Queen and in "Don't Look Behind You." As a director, he was at the helm for one episode of the half-hour Hitchcock series ("Coming Home") and eleven episodes of the hour series.

Two of the more noirish shots

Robert Gould, who wrote the original teleplay for "How to Get Rid of Your Wife," was a British TV writer from 1959 to 1981. Gould also wrote a TV show titled "How to Get Rid of Your Husband" that aired on the U.K. anthology series, Theatre 625 on July 24, 1966. This episode is also lost.

Harry Hines as the pharmacist

Bob Newhart (1929-2024) became famous with his 1960 comedy album, The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart, and soon became a fixture on the small screen, starring in five TV series--The Bob Newhart Show (1961-1962), The Bob Newhart Show (1972-1978), Newhart (1982-1990), Bob (1992-1993), and George and Leo (1997-1998)--as well as having recurring roles late in his career on two more popular series The Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon. He appeared in films from 1968 to 2011 and won three Grammy Awards and two Emmy Awards. Like many of this episode's cast members, this was his only role in the Hitchcock TV series.

Gail Bonney as Mrs. Harris

Jane Withers (1926-2021) began appearing on radio at age three and had moved to Hollywood by age five, where she became one of the top child stars of the 1930s. She made the transition to adult actress and her screen career lasted from 1932 to 2002. In addition to doing voice work in films and on TV later in her career, she became well-known as Josephine the Plumber in a series of TV commercials for Comet cleanser that aired from 1963 to 1974.

Joyce Jameson (1927-1987) appeared on screen from 1951 to 1985, including roles in Tales of Terror (1962), The Comedy of Terrors (1963), Good Neighbor Sam (1964), and Death Race 2000 (1975). She also appeared on The Twilight Zone and did voice work. Sadly, she committed suicide in 1987.

In smaller roles:

• Mary Scott (1921-2009) as Laura; born in Los Angeles, she appeared in movies beginning in 1942 and on TV beginning in 1951. She is best remembered today for her roles in eight episodes of the Hitchcock TV show, including "The Diplomatic Corpse." In the late 1940s, she was on Broadway in a production of Shaw's Caesar and Cleopatra when she met the English actor Cedric Hardwicke; she got pregnant and he divorced his wife. Hardwicke and Scott wed in 1950, when he was 57 years old and she was 29. She later wrote an autobiography called Nobody Ever Accused Me of Being a 'Lady,' and there is an interesting obituary here.
• George Petrie (1912-1997) as Henry; he started out on radio, played many bit parts on The Honeymooners, and appeared in one other episode of The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, "An Out for Oscar."
• Ann Morgan Guilbert (1928-2016) as the pet shop woman; best known as Millie, the next-door neighbor on The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961-1966), she had a long career on screen from 1959 to 2016. She played recurring roles on several TV shows, including The Nanny (1993-1999), and also appeared on stage.
• Robert Karnes (1917-1979) as the police sergeant; he had many small roles, often as a law enforcement officer, in a screen career that lasted from 1946 to 1980. He appeared in eight episodes of the Hitchcock show, including "Escape to Sonoita," and he was also on The Twilight Zone, Night Gallery, and The Night Stalker.
• William Wellman, Jr. (1937- ) as the delivery man who brings the tank; the son of film director William Wellman, he was onscreen from 1945 to 2007.
• Joseph Hamilton (1899-1965) as Oscar, the stage doorman; he started in vaudeville as a teenager and then appeared in local theater for decades before embarking on a career onscreen that lasted from 1954 to 1965. He appeared on The Twilight Zone and in five episodes of the Hitchcock show, including "The Five-Forty Eight."
• Helene Winston (1922-2004) as the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Penny; she was a Canadian actress who appeared on screen, mostly on TV, from 1955 to 1991, including a regular role on a Canadian series called King of Kensington (1975-1980).
• Harold Gould (1923-2010) as the district attorney; born Harold Goldstein, he had a long screen career, mostly on TV, from 1951 to 2010. He also appeared on The Twilight Zone.
• Bill Quinn (1912-1994) as Mr. Penny; he was on film as a child in 1923-1924 and then returned to the screen in 1956 and stayed till 1989. He was seen in countless TV shows and played Dr. Melnitz in four episodes of The Odd Couple. He had a part in Hitchcock's The Birds (1963) and was in one episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, "You Can't Be a Little Girl All Your Life." Quinn was Bob Newhart's father-in-law.
• Harry Hines (1889-1967) as the pharmacist who sells Edith the rat poison; he was on screen from 1950 to 1967 and appeared in three episodes of the Hitchcock show, including "Off Season." He is best-remembered as the man who crawls under the merry-go-round at the end of Strangers on a Train (1951).
• Gail Bonney (1901-1984) as Mrs. Harris, who speaks with Mrs. Penny on the street; born Goldie Bonowitz, she was on screen from 1948 to 1979 and played many bit parts. In addition to roles on Night Gallery and The Night Stalker, she was one of the most prolific actresses on the Hitchcock TV show, appearing in eleven episodes in all.

Watch "How to Get Rid of Your Wife" online here.

Sources:

Grams, Martin, and Patrik Wikstrom. The Alfred Hitchcock Presents Companion. OTR Pub, 2001.

"How to Get Rid of Your Wife." The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, season 2, episode 11, CBS, 20 December 1963.

IMDb, www.imdb.com.

Simon Coward, Invisible Technology Ltd. LOST UK TV Shows Search Engine, web.archive.org/web/20131203003645/lostshows.com/default.aspx?programme=8a04641e-144f-4e94-b1ec-7603336a98eb. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Wikipedia, www.wikipedia.org.

Listen to Al Sjoerdsma discuss "Father and Son" here!

In two weeks: "A Matter of Murder," starring Darren McGavin!