The 100 Chapter 2: 98 and 97

Sorcerer (1977)

Starring: Roy Scheider, Bruno Cremer, Francisco Rabal

Directed by: William Friedkin

"We're carrying three cases each. One is enough to blow out your fire; six cases will blow out the whole field. That means you don't think all the trucks will make it, one of us is a backup."

Yep, this is one of those legendary late 1970s flicks that very nearly bankrupted a studio, but I won’t dwell on things that matter like a really dumb title, a lousy soundtrack, internal squabbles, Friedkin’s ego, its snail-paced first hour (which at times is cut to resemble a cheap Godfather rip-off — I’m not saying that was Friedkin’s design but that’s what it looks like, so sue me) and Roy Schieder’s… um… multi-layered performance. Put all that aside and you’ve got about an hour of the most white-knuckled cinema you’re likely to encounter, an hour that makes you forget any of the film’s shortcomings.

Four guys have to haul some very iffy and (evidently) out-of-date nitro 200 miles across South America on some likewise out-of-date roadways in two rundown trucks to extinguish an out of control oil fire. One bad shake and the cargo and crew will go blooie. 

The legendary 12-minute bridge scene, with its rain-distorted nightmarish imagery, is just as creepy as anything in Alien and as exciting as anything in Raiders of the Lost Ark. It’s not as consistently good as the first adaptation of Georges Arnaud’s The Wages of Fear (which may or may not be discussed further at a later date), but it’s certainly a movie that will stay with you for a while.

        

I think the first time I ever saw Sorcerer was in the early 1980s on a VHS tape at the insistence of a cinephile buddy of mine who insisted this was Friedkin's masterpiece; it remains one of those flicks I'd love to see on a big screen. —Peter

Remarks from the Gallery

Jack: I've never seen Sorcerer. I'll have to keep an eye out for it!

John: I'm a fan of Sorcerer. I was a fan of the haunting  Tangerine Dream score before I ever saw the film. And my first viewing was at a 35mm screening with Friedkin in attendance. And yet as much as I like it, it didn't make my top 100, so I'm glad I'm able to laud it here. 

Theatre of Blood (1973)

Starring: Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, Ian Hendry

Directed by: Douglas Hickox

Vincent Price plays Shakespearean actor and noted ham Edward Lionheart, who is thought dead after a leap from a balcony into water after he is denied an award by the London critics. Saved by a bunch of homeless winos, Lionheart goes on a killing spree, murdering each of the drama critics using methods from Shakespeare's plays. In the end, Lionheart and his daughter Edwina, played by Diana Rigg, are killed as his beloved theater goes up in flames.

On rewatching this film for the first time in many years, I was on the verge of giving up after the first few murders, but once things really get going the movie is a hoot. Vincent Price is terrific, spouting lines from Shakespeare and hamming it up in one disguise after another; my favorite is when he impersonates a gay hairdresser and wears an afro and sunglasses! Rigg is lovely and lovable as ever, though her disguise as Lionheart's hippie assistant in the string of murders, wearing a curly wig, a bushy mustache, and sunglasses, is kind of silly.

Ian Hendry is especially good as Price's nemesis, a critic named Devlin, and it's neat to think that he and Rigg were both connected to The Avengers in the '60s.

My wife's comment: "piece of horror trash." —Jack

Remarks from the Gallery

Peter: A golden Vinnie, one I always thought of as Phibes 3 (in fact, Phibes director Robert Fuest was offered but declined). I never got to see this one in the theater as it was rated R. I'm amazed this was released by United Artists and not AIP, a studio that was swimming in this stuff in the early to mid-70s. 

John: Though I own a copy, I haven't seen this one since the Creature Feature/Chiller Diller days. It has always been one of Vonna's favorites, so perhaps it's time to revisit it.

Night of the Creeps (1986)

Starring: Tom Atkins, Jason Lively, Jill Whitlow

Directed by: Fred Dekker

"What is this? A homicide, or a bad B-movie?"

Fred Dekker's feature film debut was a highlight of mid-80s VHS viewing for me. It starts off as a '50s sci-fi flick, in black and white, before transitioning into a glossy, colorful '80s teen-comedy/horror hybrid. While his 1987 follow-up, The Monster Squad, probably has a larger following, I am fonder of everything he accomplishes with Creeps. 

Tom Atkins is perfectly cast as a hard-boiled detective (and a rookie cop in the film's '50s opening) who finds himself having to deal with the dark events of his own past when a couple of well-meaning if naive college students inadvertently unthaw a cryogenically preserved human specimen. Creepy space slugs turn those whose brains they possess into homicidal dead folks. The film is populated with characters named after famous horror film directors: Romero, Cameron,. Raimi, Craven, and Carpenter Hooper! The dialogue is witty, with Atkins given no shortage of great lines, including the tagline, "I've got good news and bad news girls. The good news is your dates are here . . . (The bad news is) . . .  They're dead!"

As horror comedies go, this is up there with Evil Dead 2 and Return of the Living Dead as each skillfully balances the two. Regardless of how funny it may be at times, the stakes are real for our characters. And a special shout out to the delightful Jill Whitlow, who portrays the perfect, good-hearted sorority girl with a flamethrower! The DVD and Blu Ray releases offer two endings: both are entertaining, but the theatrical ending is the perfect way to wrap things up, in my opinion. -John

Remarks from the Gallery: 

Peter: I'm not a child of the 1980s like John and I didn't frequent many horror flicks after 1979, but I did see this at the Saratoga Six and remember being mildly amused. I've never revisited it since. 

Jack: I pretty much stopped watching new horror movies in the early 1980s when they got too gory and explicit for me. I've never seen this one. This project is going to be very interesting! I want to see if our lists start to overlap at some point.

The Car (1977)

Starring: James Brolin, Kathleen Lloyd, Ronny Cox

Directed by: Elliott Silverstein

Lauren (Kathleen Lloyd): Hey, you! Why don't you get outta your big ugly car, huh? We'd like to see                                                  what you look like. I'd like to see what a creep like you looks like!

The Car is a goofy horror flick that’s never gotten its due outside of hardcore horror/exploitation buffs. Upon delivery, it was labeled a ripoff of Jaws (granted) and Duel (doubly granted) and slid into obscurity after a couple weeks of fair-to-middling box office. But the movie has so much more to offer than a lot of the quickies that were released in the late 1970s. It’s got a solid performance from James Brolin, still looking for his first leading man hit (he’d done well with Richard Benjamin in Westworld but tanked in the disastrous Gable and Lombard) and some incredible stunt driving but, most importantly, a “couldn’t-give-a-shit” attitude. 

What is this unstoppable monster of metal and why is it menacing this small desert town? Could it be related to the ancient Indian burial grounds on the outskirts? Who knows, because that cliche is never introduced. Is it the devil? Why would he bother coming up and wasting his time driving a Lincoln instead of a ‘vette? Probably cuz it ain't the boss himself. The biggest surprise, of course, is that Holy Shit! moment in the middle of the flick where Kathleen Lloyd gets her face-to-grill with the black Lincoln and joins the exclusive club of Terminated Lead Actresses formed by Lee Remick the year before. 

I saw this opening weekend (and probably five more times) at the legendary Almaden Twin, where you could see a double feature for one entrance fee of a buck. Saw the Go Ape marathon there at least a half-dozen times. The Twin was a dumpy little theater that held probably 300 seats but it was, for me, a paradise for a half-decade.—Peter

Remarks from the Gallery

Jack: I feel like I must have seen this long, long ago, but I can't be sure. It sounds like the kind of John Carpenter/Roger Corman flick that I'd enjoy.

John: Great flick. Like Burnt Offerings, I always thought of it as a TV movie, and only learned years after seeing it that it was actually a theatrical feature. I'm a big Brolin fan—I'll have more to say about him soon... but I can't believe you brought up The Car without mentioning the haunting car horn that signaled the arrival of this devil on wheels!

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962)

Starring: James Stewart, John Wayne, Vera Miles

Directed by: John Ford

Why are aging senator Ransom Stoddard and his wife Hallie back in the Frontier town of Shinbone for the funeral of Tom Doniphon, a rancher? Stoddard tells a reporter the story of how he arrived in the town 25 years ago as an idealistic young lawyer, and how he eventually came to be known as The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, a ruthless, bloodthirsty gunslinger. Of course, there's more to the story, and finding out what really happened is the movie's climax.

Filmed on a soundstage in black and white due to budget restrictions, the movie remains a delight. Stewart and Wayne are probably 25 years too old for their roles, but it doesn't matter, since they each give outstanding performances. Vera Miles is not just beautiful, but a strong actress as well. Lee Marvin is loathsome as Liberty Valance, and the film is packed with great character actors who inhabit their roles fully, such as John Qualen, Edmond O'Brien, Andy Devine, and Jeanette Nolan.

The movie drags a bit after Valance is shot, but the final revelation is shocking and casts everything that happened up to then in a different light. My wife's comment: "Everyone in that movie turned it up to 11!"—Jack

Remarks from the Gallery: 

Peter: This was a tough one for me to leave off my list. I love it like I love most of the Ford/Wayne films but, goldarnit, I can only pick 100 movies! What's a guy to do? There's at least one Ford/Wayne on my horizon (and my pick will surprise no one), so that almost makes up for my exclusion of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

John: I never was a big John Wayne fan... he always seemed to be more of a presence than an actor to me. And while I respect his work in Rio Bravo and The Searchers, this is one (of many) that I never sat down to watch. 

Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Starring: Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler, Patrick Wilson

Directed by: Joel Schumacher

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you. Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you."

Yep, I'm an unabashed fan of the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical. I've seen it several times. While I enjoyed the Wicked movies, I would say that Phantom is the best adaptation of a musical to film. Gerard Butler is a good enough Phantom, but it's Emmy Rossum (Christine Daaé) who is the real star here. She steals every scene she's in and delivers my favorite performances of the songs that I've heard, besting even original stage star Sarah Brightman.

Joel Schumacher is hit or miss director for me; I loved The Lost Boys and loathed his Batman sequels. I'd offer up that Phantom of the Opera is his masterwork. The production design is amazing; from the main stage of the Paris Opera House to the Phantom's catacombs, to a snow-filled cemetery where an epic sword fight unfolds. If you've never seen the play, this is a great introduction to the songs and set pieces. Even if you're anti-musical, you might give this one a chance. -John

Remarks from the Gallery: 

Peter: Oh, I did give this a chance, John, and thought it was Harlequin romance nonsense, not quite as bad as the Robert Englund garbage foisted upon us in the late 80s but nowhere near as good as the Chaney/Rains/Lom versions. I do like me some Emmy Rossum but otherwise bleccccccch. For what it's worth, I don't think Joel Schumacher ever had a masterpiece, though A Time to Kill is a solid Grisham adaptation.

Jack: I saw this on Broadway twice (I think) but I never saw the movie version. I do love some of the songs. I'm a big fan of the silent movie with Lon Chaney!

Journey Into Strange Tales Issue 183: Atlas/Marvel Science Fiction & Fantasy Comics!

 

The Marvel/Atlas 
Horror Comics

Part 167

November-December 1959

by Peter Enfantino

and Jack Seabrook

Journey Into Mystery #55

Cover by Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule (?)

"I Found the Giant in the Sky!" (a: Steve Ditko) ★★

(r: Strange Tales Annual #1)

"I Was a Prisoner of the... Ape Creatures!" (a: Joe Sinnott) ★1/2

"I Can Live Forever!" (a: John Forte) ★

"My Neighbor's Secret!" (a: Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule) ★

"I Saw the Serpent That Saved the World!" (a: Don Heck) ★★

(r: Strange Tales Annual #1)

Since he's quite homely, Professor Dunn has never had much luck with the girls, so all his life he's kept his nose deep in fairy tale books. One day, Dunn buys an incredible foreign first edition and, while reading the tome, a pair of beans fall out from between the pages. Could these be the fabled beans that grow the beanstalk that leads into the clouds and the giant's lair?

You guessed it! Dunn takes the beans to the legendary spot where Jack supposedly climbed the miles-high stalk and encountered a very big and mean giant and drops them into the fertile soil. Immediately, the stalk rises into the clouds with Dunn attached. Shortly, he's deposited onto a cloud and right in front of a huge castle. When he enters, he meets the giant, who turns out to be quite a gentleman. The big guy explains that he cannot let the professor return to Earth and spread the word about this cloud castle, but he does have a consolation prize for the scholar: the last person to find their way up the stalk, a gorgeous blonde! It's all quite silly but Ditko's art makes it almost tolerable.

"I Was a Prisoner of the... Ape Creatures!," a sequel to last issue's "I Dared Defy... the Idol's Curse!," finds Dunstan Blake finally landing on the planet Superius Rex after a long, grueling journey. Once he exits the ship, he is immediately "greeted" by a group of what appear to be cavemen. Using the old noodle, Dunstan decides he'll be king among the dimwits if he can show his superiority over these half-man, half-monkeys. But that's not the way it works on Superius Rex, as our hapless hero soon learns, because these "half-half-half-wits" are actually ultra intelligent and, like most of the Atlas aliens, use brain waves to communicate.

They take Dunstan to a hospital populated by surgeons (you know they're surgeons because of the reflector-thingies they wear on their heads) and the poor guy realizes he's going to be dissected and studied. His fears are unrealized, though, as these monkey-men are so advanced that they've devised a laser beam that investigates the inner workings of a body without actually cutting through tissue. After a cursory exam, the doctors decide there's nothing to be learned and Dunstan Blake is put on the first rocket back to Earth. Overlooking the valley, Dunstan vows never to be selfish again and to dedicate his life to the advancement of mankind. Now, off to the lab where he's to work on a time machine to make him rich! The sequel that absolutely no one demanded! This whole five page sci-fi thriller could have been condensed into five panels. The hospital scene will bring to mind Planet of the Apes, which wouldn't drop for another decade but, otherwise, literally nothing happens. 

Brilliant but stupid Professor Henry is convinced the tall redwoods in the forest are the key to immortality, so he uproots (pun intended) his moody wife, Marge, and heads to a cabin in the woods to take sap and sticky liquid samples from the tall trees all around him. After warming up some beakers for a few days, Henry is convinced he's stumbled upon the formula that will allow him to live forever. As a bonus, he's concocted an antidote (this guy works fast), but he shrugs and admits no one would want an antidote to immortality! 

Ignoring protests from moody Marge, Henry locks himself in his lab and dumps the sappy liquid down his gullet. He immediately feels stronger but a bit stiff. Surprise, the secret to long life is not moving! Luckily, Henry is within reaching distance of that potion. Moody Marge has called the police but Henry emerges from his lab without any branches growing and admits man probably shouldn't meddle with forces unknown. "I Became a Tree Man!" "I Can Live Forever!" follows the typical 1959 Atlas scientist prototype. Henry whips up a potion that no other scientist seems to have stumbled upon, gives it a shot and discovers its terrifying drawbacks, then comes safely back to the real world so he can remind us that humans should remain humble. We're not even given pleasing graphics to even things out.

The population of a small desert town mock the old man who's building a real big boat in the middle of an arid wasteland. Then it starts raining! In the final panels, a local reporter discovers a secret that's only startling to the dimwits in the story... the boat-builder's name is... Noah! Predictable script and dull, lifeless graphics make "My Neighbor's Secret!" a complete waste of time.

The finale, "I Saw the Serpent That Saved the World!," is another simple script, but at least it's highlighted by some nice Don Heck visuals. A far-away world explodes and the microbes of the dinosaur-like inhabitants drift through space and land on Earth. Luckily, the microbes grow into very small creatures that are eaten by garter snakes. Well, wait, hold on, don't worry... it's all just a dream. Though I always had a problem with Don Heck's superhero work, I'm developing a new appreciation for his stylish post-code SF/F work.-Peter

Tales of Suspense #6

Cover by Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule

"I Hear It Howl in the Swamp!" (a: Steve Ditko) ★★1/2

"I Was Captured by the Cyclops!" (a: Don Heck) ★1/2

"The Mutants and Me!" (a: Joe Sinnott) ★1/2

"Who Hides Beneath My Mask?" (a: Dick Ayers) ★

"The Luna Lizards Had Me Trapped!" ★★1/2

(a: Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule)

Charley's a trapper in the swamp (we're never told if he's legit or a poacher) and one day, while he's trawlin' fer gators, a giant monster lifts its head out of the murky water and lets out an ear shattering howl. Scared for his life, Charley grabs his crawdad bucket and hightails it out of the bog to warn his neighbors of their impending doom.

When his buddies scoff at reports of a giant swamp critter and throw swamp moss in Charley's face, he takes his buddy Skeeter out for a look and the creature once again breaks the surface to let out a yell. Once the army gets wind of the monster, they bring out the big guns and force Charley to take them to the spot where he's had his encounters. Charley warns the pea-brained soldiers that the howl sounds like something he's heard before, but the kill-crazy army boys want nothing else than to blow the heck out of something.

The monster does indeed rise, but just before the military can carry out its mission, a spaceship lands and two aliens, hundreds of feet tall, scoop their baby alien up and fly away. Charley and the army boys are left to ponder the vast immenseness of space and the fact that their mosquito spray ain't worth a darn. "I Hear It Howl in the Swamp!" has a pretty good reveal (one that would become famous a couple years later in Gorgo) and some eye-pleasing giant monster visual effects courtesy of Steve Ditko. Though we've had several "big monster" stories already in the post-code Atlas era, this feels like a milestone and a forecast of what was to come.

On an international flight, businessman Robert Sloan engages in an interesting discussion with a nutty professor seated next to him. The old nut seems convinced that if you concentrate enough, you can whisk yourself away to any time or place. Sloan doesn't believe a word of the man's theory but, while reading a Sindbad the Sailor story to his son that night, it turns out the professor was right! Sloan becomes Sindbad and must fight the Cyclops for priceless gems. In the end, our fanciful hero is actually asleep in his easy chair. It was all a dream... or was it? The Lee/Leiber script for "I Was Captured by the Cyclops!" "borrows" quite a bit from The 7th Voyage of Sinbad and caps it off with the same old cockamamie, cliched reveal; hey, if it works for a movie, it'll work for a funny book strip, right? 

One night, at a swanky party, Vincent Farnsworth poo-poos the theory of Henry Marsh that another strain of human, a "mutant," lives among us. The next day, while at work in his office, Farnsworth is accidentally locked in his brand new (evidently soundproof) safe and awaits his fate as the oxygen dwindles. Suddenly, the frazzled and sweaty businessman is transported outside the safe and decides that maybe there is something to Marsh's theory after all! Like the "Cyclops" drivel before it, the plot for "The Mutants and Me!" relies on a conversation between the lead protagonist and a theorist that then coincidentally becomes reality. The only thing going for either story is the art. Was this the first "mutant" story?

Another fresh cliche gets dusted off for "Who Hides Beneath My Mask!," wherein a thief wears a very lifelike mask to rob a rich old man and then, once the cops are on his tail, takes off the mask to find (stop me if you've heard this one before!) his face has become the exact same visage! In the exquisitely titled "The Luna Lizards Had Me Trapped!," the first colonists on the moon discover they are not alone. When the oxygen-filled dome our heroes live in begins to give way, the monsters come out and begin battering on the cracked glass. One of the men (who luckily was a high school track star) hoofs it back to the ship to get oxygen tanks but collapses halfway there. 

As the giant monsters close in, the astronaut begins receiving mental messages from them, informing him that they are friendly and have retrieved the oxygen tanks for their new neighbors. Once back to the dome, the colonist shares the new info with his colleagues and they laugh, having a cigar around the fireplace and wondering at the revelations of the universe. Don't ask me why this story stands out from the rest of the nonsense this issue has to offer, but I found "Luna Lizards" to be a fun adventure in a Jules Verne kind of way. Laughs were provided by the panels of the astronaut doing a four minute mile sprint despite a bulky suit and the moon's gravity. But, hey, dinosaurs on the moon were every kid's fantasy in 1959.-Peter

Tales to Astonish #6

Cover by Jack Kirby & George Klein (?)

"I Saw the Invasion of the Stone Men" (a: Steve Ditko) ★1/2

(r: Strange Tales Annual #1)

"I Was the Man Under Glass!" (a: Joe Sinnott) ★1/2

"I Laughed at the Great God, Pan!" (a: Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule) ★★

"I Became a... Human Bomb!" (a: Paul Reinman) ★

(r: Strange Tales Annual #1)

"I Was a Prisoner of the Living Statues!" (a: John Forte) ★★

"I Saw the Invasion of the Stone Men" cries a man in midtown Manhattan after giant creatures made of stone rise from below the streets of New York. The stone men lumber around, paying no attention to anyone or anything and generally making a mess. Citizens are quick to turn on Professor Ailen, America's top geologist, insisting that his prior opinions about creatures living below the city somehow caused the monsters to rise.

Nothing seems to affect the stone men, not even a direct hit from an Army bazooka. Suddenly, Prof. Ailen urges everyone to leave the creatures alone! He explains that they are used to walking through solid rock below ground, so humans must seem like shadowy creatures to them. Eventually, the stone men sink back into the Earth and disappear; Ailen surmises that they could no longer breathe above the surface and thus found it hostile and will never return.

Even Steve Ditko can't save this one. The creatures appear, wander around for a while, then disappear. Yawn. The reaction of the crowd to Prof. Ailing seems a little extreme--at one point they even accuse him of being a spy for the stone men!

In the year 3000, obnoxious brat Darius Cartwright tells his father that inheriting the largest rocket ship corporation on Earth is not enough--he wants to rule a planet! Darius gets snobbier as he grows up. Eventually, he worms his way into being appointed governor of the planet Betelgeuse II, where he lords it over the inhabitants and has a palace built inside a big, glass done, since the planet's atmosphere lacks oxygen. Darius makes sure that the planet's inhabitants learn the Golden Rule, which is never to enter the glass dome.

Darius gets old and, one day, starts to have trouble breathing. He discovers that the air pump that supplies oxygen has broken and he can't fix it on his own. He begs the people outside to come and help him, but they've learned their lesson too well and refuse to enter. In the end, Darius sits alone, hoping for aid and lamenting his behavior.

Joe Sinnott's art is always at least decent, but this is another dumb story with characters who behave in extreme ways and a protagonist who learns his lesson and tells the reader about it in the wordy final panels. When I read that the planet was named Betelgeuse II, all I could think of was the movie where they say "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!" and Michael Keaton appears. That was a lot more fun than this story.

A pompous phony named Norman takes a woman named Diane to an art museum and poses as an art critic to impress her. He criticizes painting after painting, but when he mocks a depiction of the Greek god, Pan, a museum guard rebukes him and launches into the story of Pan. Two weeks later, Diane sees that Norman's mustache has disappeared and he has a crew cut. Norman tells her that the changes in his appearance followed the time when "I Laughed at the Great God, Pan!" What he doesn't tell her is that, when they were leaving, he looked back and saw that the museum guard had goat hooves.

I liked the page and a half (out of four) that Kirby used to relate the legend of Pan. The Greek gods certainly look forward to the sort of characters he would soon draw in Thor comics.

Add some heavy black lines
and this panel could be from
a Mike Sekowsky story.

A small-time crook who is unhappy about his prospects at succeeding at armed robbery sees a news bulletin on TV about a new guided missile and gets an idea--why not figure a way to cash in by delivering the missile to the Commies? He hits the library and bones up on how to change the course of a missile, then heads for the launch pad and sneaks aboard. In outer space, he discovers that there are no instruments or mechanisms to tinker with, so he's stuck!

"I Became A...Human Bomb!" is so bad it's almost funny. To think that this hood comes up with such a wacky plan, then studies up for a couple of weeks, gets past security, and rides a rocket into space is ridiculous. Paul Reinman's art isn't awful, but the story is so bad it merits but a single star. The title makes no sense, either--how exactly is he a human bomb? The final caption says that the rocket will either explode in space or return to Earth, where he'll be put on trial. The only bomb in sight is this issue.

Pay attention, now, because this is complicated. In a small village in Africa, the natives carve life-sized wooden statues to sell to a white exporter. One day, flying saucers land in the village and aliens emerge who look just like the statues. The aliens have been studying Earth and are bent on conquest. How, you may ask? Well, they will replace the wooden statues that are sold to the rich and powerful and, when the time is ripe, they will spring to life and take over. Not to worry, says Kisumu, the leader of the village, to his fellow natives.

The aliens pretending to be carved wooden statues are loaded on a truck and shipped off to be distributed around the globe. After a month, the aliens who remained in the village send out a signal to the others to make their move, but nothing happens. Discouraged, the aliens hop into their flying saucers and leave, their plan a flop. Kisumu explains to the other villagers that the exporter who buys the statues always puts two coats of varnish on them, making the aliens unable to move!

This is truly a tale to astonish, alright--it's astonishing how dumb it is. Once again, the title is misleading--who exactly could say that "I Was a Prisoner of the Living Statues!"? No one! The aliens are accomplished enough to fly to Earth and have ray guns that destroy villagers' spears in flight, so why do they need to go through all that hooey about being shipped to the homes of the rich and powerful? And if the exporter approached them with a paint brush and a can of varnish, why did they put up with it? How did these comics manage to survive cancellation? Was it entirely about distribution and nothing to do with quality?-Jack

Strange Tales #72

Cover by Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule

"I Fought the Colossus!" (a: Jack Kirby & Christopher Rule) ★★

(r: Where Monsters Dwell #3)(r: Crypt of Shadows #19)

"I Was Trapped on the Ghost Ship! (a: Don Heck) ★★

(r: Chamber of Chills #25)

"I Am the Abominable Snowman!" (a: Paul Reinman) ★

"I Saw the Elephants' Graveyard!" (a: John Forte) ★★

(r: Uncanny Tales #11)

"I Entered the... Doorway to Doom!" (a: Steve Ditko) ★★1/2

(r: Giant-Size Man-Thing #4)

Professor Renolds finally finishes building a giant computer in 2020 and it begins giving predictions and advice that improve the lives of all mankind. What people don't know is that it is also building a giant robot! The robot begins to walk through the city, as all giant Atlas creatures do, causing widespread panic. Professor Renolds builds a device to divert the giant into the ocean, where it becomes useless. When he tells the computer that "I Fought the Colossus!" and asks why the machine would do such a thing, the electronic brain replies that the giant was built to help mankind when the super-computer reached the end of its life. Mankind has now destroyed its future benefactor!

While the start of this story cleverly predicts the ability of computers in the 2020s to make predictions and give advice, it gets one thing very wrong--the super-computer takes up an entire large room! Who could've predicted the incredible miniaturization that would occur with computer memory? The story is the usual thing, with Kirby's standard, blocky artwork and a message intended to teach readers a lesson.

Captain Storme rules his tramp steamship with an iron hand and treats his crew with cruelty, but he stays just within the law and the maritime commission can do nothing to stop him. During one voyage, his ship moves slowly through fog when he spots the Flying Dutchman and orders his crew to give chase.

The ship moves fast and can't be caught, so Storme's crew gets fed up and abandons ship at the next port, leaving the captain to pursue the ship alone. He catches it, boards it, and finds himself paralyzed! He meets Jonah Morgan the former captain, who has been prisoner on the ship, awaiting the next fool to come aboard. The Flying Dutchman is a ship of justice that punishes bad captains, and now Captain Storme can say that "I Was Trapped On the Ghost Ship!" until the next cruel seaman comes along.

It's a mediocre story with mediocre art by Don Heck. Though only five pages long, the first page is wasted on a full-page panel of Storme on the ghost ship and, the strangest thing of all is the fact that he and his crew all wear suits and ties. What tramp steamer crew dresses like that, even in 1959?

Young Donald Trump Charles Duntmore comes from a rich family and has a habit of trying to steal valuable items, knowing that his father will always bail him out. As an adult, he sees an enormous Tibetan ruby on display in a museum and decides to travel to Tibet to pilfer it. Atop a mountain, he meets a holy man who guards the jewel. When Charles tries to steal it, the holy man tells him that he put a curse on the object: Charles must keep holding it, even though doing so will make him very cold, because if he lets go of it, it will disintegrate. The holy man gives him a big, white, hairy coat that is the only thing that will keep him warm. From then on, Charles realizes that "I Am the Abominable Snowman!" and spends years roaming the mountain, clutching the ruby, freezing cold, wearing the big, hairy, white coat.

Just drop the darn ruby, Charles! You could always run for president and make lots more money by defrauding the American public. Then you won't be cold--you'll just have to dye your hair forever and wear lots of makeup.

A hunter named Dirk insists that he'll be the first man to say, "I Saw the Elephants' Graveyard!" He wants to collect lots of ivory tusks, sell them, and get rich quick. Hiring a team of native guides, Dirk follows elephants deep into the jungle, surviving a panther attack, a difficult river crossing, and an angry tribe of pygmy headhunters. He finally reaches his goal, only to discover that the graveyard is at the bottom of a pit of quicksand!

The unexpectedly ironic ending helps make this short tale fairly satisfying, but it's a low bar in an Atlas sci fi/fantasy comic in 1959. Like the rest of the stories in this issue, the art is fair at best.

A farmer returns to his land in Siberia after WWII, only to find no way to survive. He searches for gold in the mountains and finds it inside a cave but is soon set upon by aliens from the Dimension of "Z" who are determined to enslave mankind. The peasant scares them off with the flame from a match and escapes! He returns to the cave and installs an iron door surrounded by a ring of flaming oil. After years of mining gold, the farmer is set upon by Soviet officials who beat him until he gives them the key to the door. They are in for a big surprise!

Easily the best story in this issue, "I Entered the... Doorway to Doom!" once again demonstrates Steve Ditko's creative, original artwork and his ability to make even mundane events interesting. He does particularly nice work with the snow and the creatures from Dimension "Z," who resemble green bumblebees with pointy hats and malevolent smiles.-Jack

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