The Warren Report Issue 23: April-June 1970

The Critical Guide to 

the Warren Illustrated Magazines

1964-1983

by Uncle Jack

& Cousin Peter

Frazetta

Creepy 32 (April 1970)

"Rock God" ★★
Story by Harlan Ellison
Art by Neal Adams

"Death is a Lonely Place" ★★1/2
Story by Bill Warren
Art by Bill Black

"I... Executioner" ★1/2
Story by Don Glut
Art by Mike Royer

"A Wall of Privacy" ★★1/2
Story by Nicola Cuti
Art by Ernie Colon

"V.A.M.P.I.R.E." ★
Story by Bill Warren
Art by Bill Fraccio & Tony Tallarico

"Movie Dissector" ★1/2
Story by R. Michael Rosen
Art by Bill DuBay

"The 3:14 is Right on Time!" ★★★
Story by Ken Dixon
Art by Billy Graham

"Rock God"

Thousands of years ago was made the "Rock God," Dis, and verily he was a mean God. Down through the centuries, Dis reigned terror upon those who crossed his path until his body was divided into seven parts: the Blarney Stone, the Stone of Scone, the Black Stone of Islam, the Koh-I-Nor Diamond, the Lost Stone of Solomon, the Plinth, and the Amida of Daibutsu. These stones are scattered to the four corners but "chips and bits" broken off find themselves strewn about as well. One of those bits is cast into the foundation of the "Stedman Building" in New York. Frank Stedman, the builder, had taken kickbacks and used shortcuts to erect the skyscraper. Built on a faulty foundation,  the building is sinking and Stedman's investors come calling. But first the man must deal with his wife, who's threatening to leave Frank and spill the beans on his extra cash flow. Frank kills the woman and Dis rises from his sleep, ready to do some damage.

More "Rock God"

That's a half-assed synopsis, I know, but this story is very hard to follow and makes little sense. The story behind the story is that comic fan Harlan Ellison wanted to write a script based on a Frazetta cover and this is the one that landed in his lap. Neal Adams was then assigned to visualize Harlan's words (a natural choice, since Adams was coming off much acclaim for his stint on Deadman and was just about to revolutionize comics with Denny O'Neil on Green Lantern/Green Arrow). I liked writer Ellison's use of the seven stones but Dis's reappearance and the Stedman episode seem rushed, as if this was only a couple of chapters from an Ellison novella. I've never been a huge fan of Harlan's (a bit too pretentious for me); his reputation was built on some solid work in the 1950s and early '60s but the writer became more of a lightning rod for controversy afterwards. I'm not denying the man his talent, but that pretension I alluded to certainly shows through in "Rock God":

Work, mouth, work this man out of the East River where fish eat garbage.

"Death is a Lonely Place"

I assume Harlan had it in his contract that the captions were to be held to a minimum and that actually works in favor of Neal Adams, who turns in a solid, if not spectacular, job on graphics. Heretic that I am, I'll even opine that the cover this story was written around is one of Frazetta's weakest. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall when Harlan got his comp copies and saw his first name misspelled on the intro page not once but twice!

Miklos Sokolos, a centuries-old vampire, finds that "Death Is a Lonely Place" when he falls in love with a "normal" girl. At first, Miklos decides to bring the girl into his "lifestyle" but he has a change of heart and commits suicide by dragging his coffin out into the sun. Though "Death Is a Lonely Place" is far from perfect and contains some sentences that could have used a bit of editing/proofing (When the sun goes down and people leave graveyards are lonely and depressing.), at its core is a sympathetic character and a surprising conclusion. Bill Warren and Don Glut and the rest of the "second tier" scribes of Warren funny books tended to leave things off in a somewhat ludicrous fashion, as we all know. So it's refreshing that there's no reveal that Miklos's love is really a werewolf and, instead, we get a genuinely sad fadeout.

"I... Executioner"

No such luck with Don Glut's "I... Executioner," a predictable bit of nonsense about a reporter sent out to interview a prison executioner, only to discover in the end that the hooded man is, in reality, death (surprise surprise surprise). Glut isn't fooling anyone and it doesn't seem like he meant to. His reporter lets out hacking coughs from the get-go (and makes a point of explaining it to Mr. Death), so it's not a shocker when the man takes off his hood and explains he's here to take the reporter to the other side. I only wish the story had been a few panels longer so we could learn if the prison officials knew the guy was the Grim Reaper and where they mailed his bi-weekly salary.

In the distant future, citizens are ruled by electronic flying "eyes" that keep watch on all. A telepath comes in contact with similar mutants who wish to escape the tyranny and hop over the tall brick wall that circles the city to freedom. When the night comes, most of the rebels are killed, but one man scales the wall to discover that the other side is miles long but only five feet wide. One of the better science fiction tales to come out of the Warren mags so far, "A Wall of Privacy" is an obvious nod to Communism but doesn't use a ball-peen hammer to deliver its message (as Stan Lee might have). The weak point is the Colon art (under his David StClair pseudo), which looks posed, cartoony, and fake. The twist is a nice cherry on top.

"V.A.M.P.I.R.E"

Dr. Hal S. Clarke has built the world's smartest computer (S.A.L.O. = Selective Analog Logical Operative), but his assistant, Kurt, is jealous of and enraged by all the attention his boss has received when, after all, it is Kurt himself who has done all the work. Oddly enough, the machine doesn't take oil, it takes blood (how novel!), so it needs sacrifices on a daily basis. One day, Kurt has had enough of big-head Clarke's ego, so he conks the professor right across the noggin and takes control of S.A.L.O. Unfortunately for Kurt, the big machine has got a mind of its own (in fact, it rechristens itself "V.A.M.P.I.R.E."--how cliched!) and, very soon, Kurt becomes part of his large toy. Ugly to look at and barely readable, "V.A.M.P.I.R.E." is yet another of the "homages" to 2001 we'll have to endure (as a reader, you're supposed to wink-wink at Big Warren's nods to Arthur C. Clarke) but, hopefully, any further rip-offs will at least add something new to the mix.

Two young boys, Bobby and Tom (think George Lucas and Steven Spielberg), love monster movies but are convinced they can do a better job. An argument on the set of their first low-budget feature sees the pair parting ways angrily, with each swearing they'll one-up the other when the last "Cut" is called. The boys finish their films and have a "world premiere" in Bobby's garage, inviting about a dozen folks to critique the end results. Bobby goes first and the audience raves at the make-up techniques and cinematography, but mostly how "respectful" Bobby is of the monsters in the movie (see where this is going?). Tom's turn comes and his primitive acting skills and lack of a script have the critics rising from their seats and literally ripping the boy to shreds. The audience is made up of monsters! I enjoyed most of "Movie Dissector," the two boys and their enthusiasm for the genre, but the finale is criminally bad and ruins what goodwill Rosen had built. I was very surprised to see this wasn't written by Don Glut, as this is his usual playground. DuBay's art is not bad at all for a beginner and it's only going to get better.

"Movie Dissector"

"The 3:14 is Right on Time!"

"The 3:14 is Right on Time!" brings the issue to a close on an up note. A station conductor murders his customers and loads their corpses onto an abandoned train car, waiting for his death. When the time is right, he fires up the willing engine and drives it on to the next station, which happens to be Styx. His fellow conductor, Death, welcomes him and loads him onto the 3:14. Destination: unknown. It's not that "The 3:14" is masterfully written (it's got a few plot holes you could ride the 3:14 right through), but it's just so damn weird and that's an element missing from so many of the Warren scripts. Why does this conductor feel the need to load his train up with dead bodies before he can make that last trip down the tracks? Don't ask me. How is it he's been able to run this show for so long without any Feds sniffing 'round? Makes no sense to me either. But there's a very fine eccentricity permeating the words and deeds in this story and just the kind of uneasiness any horror fan would love to soak up. Billy Graham's atmospheric art is just perfect. On the Creepy Fan Club page, we get our first look at Ken(neth) Smith's work. Very soon, Smith will be contributing some dazzling covers to the Warren zines.-Peter

Jack-The good news is that this issue of Creepy is all-new, with plenty of comics and not a ton of ads. The bad news is that none of the stories is particularly good. The Ellison/Adams effort is best, mainly due to the gorgeous art, but the story is muddled and overblown. I liked the contemporary part of the story better than the ancient part but it ends before it can really get going.

"V.A.M.P.I.R.E." is so bad it's laughable, and I thought "Movie Dissector" was only marginally better; as often is the case, the art is not bad but the story is a stinker. I agree with you about the creepiness of "The 3:14 Is Right On Time!" and I like Billy Graham's art, but the story (like many others) runs out of steam before it's over. The other three stories are all mediocre, both in text and illustration.

Jones & Bode

Eerie 27 (May 1970)

"Journey Into Wonder" ★★★
Story by Bill Parente
Art by Ken Barr

"Amazonia"★1/2
Story by Gardner Fox
Art by Miguel Fernandez

"The Machine God's Slave"★★
Story by Buddy Saunders
Art by Ernie Colon

"Swallowed in Space!"★★
Story by Bill Parente
Art by Tom Sutton

"Enter... Dr. Laernu!"★1/2
Story by R. Michael Rosen
Art by Dick Piscopo

"All Sewed Up!"★★
Story by Buddy Saunders
Art by Mike Royer

"Face It!"★★1/2
Story by Nick Cuti
Art by Jack Sparling

"Journey Into Wonder"

On the birthday of King Xenia of Halidom, any male resident of the kingdom who thinks himself worthy can ask the king to knight him. When the ugly dwarf named Grendel makes this request, the king and his knights are outraged and assign Grendel the task of finding and bringing back the sorceress Eleen, knowing full well that no one has ever survived this "Journey Into Wonder."

Grendel sets off and, aided by a map drawn by an old crone who wants the dwarf to retrieve her lost ring from Eleen, he passes the monstrous Grinka and meets beautiful, blind Eleen, who turns out not to be a sorceress after all. Using his wits to defeat Grinka, he takes Eleen back to the king, but one of his knights doubts that the girl is who Grendel says she is and insists that the dwarf prove himself in a trial by arms. Grendel once again prevails by means of wit and courage; the king knights him and, suddenly, Grendel becomes a handsome man and Eleen's vision is restored.

Amazonia's shirt never had a chance.

I did not have high expectations when I saw that the first story in this issue was a fantasy written by Bill Parente, but I thoroughly enjoyed this charming tale! Ken Barr's art is very pleasant and he uses some creative page designs to keep things interesting, while Parente manages to tell a coherent story with a happy ending. I'm not sure this belongs in Eerie, but I liked it nonetheless. One of the cool things about doing this series is that I get to know more about certain writers and artists, like Ken Barr. I always thought of him as that guy who painted those Marvel mag covers, but he had quite an extensive career.

A beautiful girl named "Amazonia" is on a quest to place the iron crown on the head of the king who has usurped the throne of the kingdom. She battles demons and other baddies and her tiny shirt barely hangs on, but she finally reaches the king and plops the crown on his head. Voila! He turns out to be her Pop and drops dead, freed at last from a nasty spell by the placement of the crown.

"The Machine
God's Slave"

Whew, I guess two fantasy stories in a row were one more than I could handle. I have the utmost respect for Gardner Fox as one of the all-time great comic book writers, but this is not one of his top 1000 stories. In fact, it's a wordy stinker. And don't get me started on the art of Miguel Fernandez, which strikes me as amateurish. It's not as bad as Fraccio and Tallarico's work, but it's pretty awkward all the same.

Office clerk Murray Roche stole probe tapes from the department of stellar exploration and flies a dilapidated spaceship to the planet Selcannam, where he hoodwinks the natives into loading his craft with treasure. He demands that an old priest tell him where all of the goods came from and kills the man when he won't reveal the source of the valuables. As punishment, Murray is chained to the temple idol, a sort of tank that starts to roll slowly on its own, making Murray "The Machine God's Slave." He is dragged hither and yon until the machine god rolls into the sea and Murray drowns.

I think Buddy Saunders was better off publishing fanzines and selling comic books online than writing stories like this, which doesn't have much of a plot and just falls flat at the end. Ernie Colon's overly stylized art is getting on my nerves as well. Maybe it's the lack of color or the unfinished look, but it just seems to be a lot of effort and not much of value.

"Swallowed in Space!"

Five people have traveled deep into space, fleeing the destruction of Earth's civilization in search of the secret of creation. As they approach the answer, crew members begin to disappear one by one, until only a single man remains. He concludes that, by becoming one with the universe, man has become supreme.

At least, that's the best I can make of the gobbledygook that is "Swallowed in Space!" Leave it to Bill Parente to follow up the nice script for "Journey into Wonder" with another incoherent mess. Tom Sutton does his best with this mess but there's only so much he can do.

Who has cast a spell on Gerda, turning her into an animal? Gretchen the serving girl is killed in the woods by a werecat. Baron Bruno summons Dr. Laernu to the castle to solve the mystery of the murders before Gerda marries a Duke. Lucky Gerda also stands to become a baroness when her father dies, but her sister Lisa doesn't mind.

"Enter... Dr. Laernu!"

That night, Dr. Laernu chases off the werecat and then uses his incredible deductive skills to announce that the creature is Gerda, who has mud on her shoes and thus must have been running around outside. It seems Lisa was jealous after all and cast a magic spell on Gerda. Dr. Laernu flips the spell so it rebounds on Lisa, who turns into a sow and is quickly captured to be slaughtered and eaten by villagers. Dr. Laernu, his task completed, fades into the ether.

"Enter... Dr. Laernu!" keeps almost making sense, but it's plagued by terrible proofreading that makes some of the word balloons a bit confusing, not to mention the dopey plot and hit or miss art by Dick Piscopo. He seems to have been looking at Dr. Strange comics when he drew Dr. Laernu (whose name spelled backward, as Cousin Eerie tells us, is Unreal) but I can't say what he was looking at when he drew Gerda and Lisa, neither of whom is exactly a knockout.

Bitten by a werewolf while in the service in Germany, taxidermist Nesbit Pegler returns with a monthly inconvenience and has to lock himself in the cellar every full moon to avoid wreaking havoc. The rest of the time, things are great, so he hires Felix Knox to assist him with his business, which is a roaring success. Nesbit gets engaged to lovely Elissa, unaware that Felix is cooking the books and hitting on his gal while Nesbit is locked in the basement and getting hairy. Felix catches on to Nesbit's secret and, when Nesbit discovers that Felix has been stealing from him, Felix goes to Nesbit's house and kills him with a silver bullet. Felix thinks he has things "All Sewed Up!" when he stuffs and mounts the wolf he shot, but when the full moon is over, visitors to the shop are shocked to see a naked Nesbit Pegler in place of the wolf.

"All Sewed Up!"

Well, I have to give Buddy Saunders and Mike Royer points for trying. We haven't had much humor in the Warren mags beyond the corny comments of the hosts at the beginning and end of each story, so I was relieved to read something to break the tedium. Royer's shortcomings as an artist actually work to his favor in this story, since it's intentionally goofy. It's no EC-level classic of gallows humor, but it's a start.

Mister Mentalto, the mind reader, and his assistant Rhoda join the run-down carnival of Bunk and Jenssen. Their act is nothing special but they both wear metal masks. Jenssen's sexy teenaged daughter Marion tries to cozy up to Mentalto to see what's under the mask, so Rhoda whacks her in the head. In return, Jenssen smacks Rhoda a bit too hard and she drops dead in the middle of the next performance. Marion sees Mentalto take out Rhoda's brain and bury it; the horny teen tells her Dad it's platinum and they dig it up, only to find a miniature Rhoda in a tiny coffin. Mentalto confesses that he shrank Rhoda while experimenting with miniaturization; he also was affected, and he shows Jenssen and Marion that his face is tiny.

Jack Sparling can draw a
pretty girl when he wants to!
"Face It!"

"Face It!" has some pretty good art by Jack Sparling and some nice atmosphere, but Nick Cuti's script fails to deliver the punch at the ending that is required to make a story like this work. The tiny face on Mentalto's head just looks silly and the whole explanation of miniaturization comes out of left field. It's too bad--this issue started out well but couldn't keep up the quality of the first story.-Jack

Peter-Reading the first stories this issue, one might be convinced that Eerie had gone over to the dark side of "sword and sorcery." Luckily, it's just a toe in the waters. "Journey into Wonder" is a fun romp with some dazzling art, but "Amazonia" is just the opposite. Gardner Fox's script (his first for Warren) was probably moldering away on one of his shelves (doubtless rejected by Weird Tales) for thirty years until he heard editor Parente exclaim "I'll buy anything!" Fellow newcomer Fernandez does his best to make the titular femme fatale barbarienne look like a frog with breasts. This probably would have been handed to Wally Wood if he were still a member of the Warren club. Fox will stick around for a while, contributing more weak fantasies, while Fernandez was a one-hit-wonder.

We're offered up the same see-saw in quality with the two science fiction entries this issue. "The Machine God's Slave" is a clever and unpredictable delight (yes, the Colon art still needs work--imagine what Reed Crandall could have done here) and, like "A Wall of Privacy," gives us hope that the Warren writers have somehow cracked the science fiction nut. Well, maybe not. Bill Parente manages to say something deep without actually saying anything in "Swallowed in Space!" I'm sure Jack (the college guy) can tell you what the hell that was all about but me, I'd just shrug my shoulders. Not top tier Sutton either.

"Enter... Dr. Laernu!" seems like the opening chapter for a continuing character (and probably would have been a few years later), but the story is a snooze. The highlight of "All Sewed Up!" is obviously the final panel but not for the horrific reasons Buddy Saunders imagined. I'd hate to be standing where Felix and Elissa are standing when Nesbit made his change. The closer, "Face It!," reminds me of one of those sleazy Eerie Pub stories, complete with Jack Sparling's lurid art. It's not an awful story but, let's face it, the twist is a major letdown.

Frazetta

Vampirella 5 (June 1970)

"The Craft of a Cat's Eye" ★
Story by Don Glut
Art by Bill Fraccio & Tony Tallarico

"Scaly Death" ★1/2
Story by Don Glut
Art by Billy Graham

"An Axe to Grind" ★★★
Story and Art by Jeff Jones

"Avenged by Aurora" ★★1/2
Story by Bill Parente
Art by Tom Sutton

"Ghoul Girl" ★
Story by Don Glut
Art by John G. Fantucchio

"Escape Route!" ★1/2
Story by T. Casey Brennan
Art by Mike Royer

"Luna" ★★
Story by Don Glut
Art by Jack Sparling

"The Craft of a Cat's Eye"

The fifth issue of Vampirella gets off to an inauspicious start with two stinkers from the pen of Don Glut. The first, "The Craft of a Cat's Eye," serves up one of horror's most overused characters, the greedy nephew. Jack's waiting for his rich diva of an aunt to drop dead; in the meantime, he must make nice and avoid the numerous house cats she keeps around her for comfort. In the end, Jack gets his name in the old bat's will and poisons her, but her cats rip him to shreds in the most surprising climax of the issue. Surprising in that it just suddenly happens out of nowhere. No transition whatsoever. Many will remember my about-face on the merits of Jerry Grandenetti's Warren work and, while there's certainly nothing of that scale on the horizon, there does seem to be some glimpse of talent hiding in the muck of this Frallarico swamp. "The Craft" has an unusual panel layout, much like some of Jerry's better work, and bits here and there actually come off as stylish and moody (like the page reproduced here, where the action melts from one scene into another without borders). Bits, I say. But oh, that final panel.

"Scaly Death"

At every turn, prehistoric lovers Kand and Borg elude "Scaly Death" (this is the history where cavemen and cave girls co-existed with big critters in 1,000,000 BC). Poor Kand loses her bikini bottoms several times running from Triceratopi and Stegosauri, but Borg vows he'll bring his luscious babe safely out the other side of the deep fissure in the earth. Then, wouldn't you know, after avoiding the jaws of death for so long, they (literally) walk into... the jaws of death. A monstrously dumb slice of the Jurassic age mixed with the Stone Age (you know, just like in the Raquel Welch movie?) that ends on a darkly humorous note. I would assume Don Glut sent over a boatload of his Animal World stills to artist Billy Graham for "inspiration."

"An Axe to Grind"

Stella sells lightning rods and thinks she's found the perfect place to ply her wares. When the old man who owns the old dark house lets her in to see what's in the bag, Stella gets the shock of her life. Jeff Jones's first Warren script is not much in the way of plot (it does have a funny climax), but at least the writer knew exactly the correct artist to assign. The graphics are gorgeous, so nice in fact that you don't really need words to enjoy "An Axe to Grind." Bill Parente turns in one of his best scripts with "Avenged by Aurora," wherein a sorcerer's apprentice seeks revenge for his lover's murder and finds it only after death. Human characters have never been Tom Sutton's strong point (unless they have long beards or tentacles), but with "An Axe," we find Tom honing that particular corner of his craft. Love that grisly final panel as well.

Some kind of Sutton magic!
("Avenged By Aurora")

After that left turn into quality, it's back on the roller-coaster down into the Abyss of the Abysmal with Don Glut's dopey "Ghoul Girl," about a poor young beauty accused of being a corpse-eater. Of course, in the end, it's her accusers who are the ghouls. The twists and turns here make no sense whatsoever. John Fantucchio's art is rushed and unpolished, just like the script. With "Escape Route!," T. Casey Brennan gives us fear that his stellar "Death of a Stranger" (in Creepy #31) might have been a fluke. Phillip comes home from work to find his house enveloped in flames and there's nothing he can do to save his wife, Sherry, who burns alive in the blaze. His every waking hour is haunted by the event and then, one day, he's in a restaurant when a fire breaks out.

Ken & Barbie?
("Escape Route!")

Sherry beckons to him from the smoke (death, unfortunately, has robbed the girl of her nipples) and Phillip joins her. There's not much of a story evident here and any message Brennan might want to impart is lost on this reader. Grief will make you do strange things? Mike Royer still has a way to go before his art can be labeled "dynamic." Seriously, it just sits there, lifeless as a Gold Key strip. Finally, "Luna" is more "Peek-a-boo, look at my boobies!" nonsense from the Glut/Sparling team. A scientist discovers that when he adds water to a minute portion of rock sample taken from the moon, a gorgeous, semi-clad (and all the right parts are just covered up, too!) babe pops out of his slide and grows to normal earthling-size. Unfortunately for the nutty professor, the samples produce more monstrous results as well. For some reason, "Luna" managed to entertain me in a primitive way, so much more than most Glut scripts. Maybe it's the sheer dopiness of the concept (I mean, the girl's name happens to be Luna!) but this one was fun.-Peter

Jack-After starting out as EC copies and then falling into reprint hell, the Warren mags are starting to find their own personality. This is not a bad issue of Vampirella, and all three of the mags we read for this post are at least half-decent. There's not a great pattern of quality yet, but things are moving in the right direction. "An Axe to Grind" by Jeff Jones seems to me to be what a Warren story should be; it just looks right. It's light on story, of course, and the ending is far-fetched, but Jones succeeds in telling his tale with a combination of words and pictures where both are required to understand what's happening.

Billy Graham must have been looking at an anatomy textbook when he drew "Scaly Death," since the characters have so many muscles! The spelling in this and most of the rest of the stories this issue is so bad that I feel my brain cells dying as I read. Who did the lettering and how could they make so many mistakes? There's one spot on the inside cover where someone wrote a "U" over an "E" to fix the spelling of "ARTHUR" but didn't bother to white out the "E." On page 36, in the Sutton story, one line reads: "I WILL JOURNEY YOU THROUGH THE THE SIGNS OF THE HEAVENS..." And on and on. How did this stuff get printed with so many mistakes? Did anyone ever ask about this in an interview with the people responsible? DC and Marvel never had this many errors.

In Two Weeks...
Jack and Peter go ape over
the 100th installment of
The Haunted Tank!

From Vampirella #5